I’m Happy, I Think

I want to start off this post by saying thanks to the people that have followed so far and also apologise for not updating for so long. Anyway, let’s move on.

Two days ago, I had a very strange day. Actually it was quite generic. I made an appointment at the dentist and went to the bank and the library.  What made it strange was the feeling I had that day. I felt lighter, I felt a sort of calmness.

It took me until the afternoon to realise that for the first time in years, I didn’t feel depressed. Sure, I have good days, but the dark feeling always hangs around. But that day it was gone. I felt happy, more importantly I was content, for the first time in…I don’t know how long, probably more than four years. I was in a carefree mood I was excited about everything.

The first thing that I thought to myself, after realising I didn’t feel depressed was, ‘Is this what normal people feel like all the time?’

Is it? Do you feel that lovely calm, happy feeling? Instead of feeling like you ‘don’t care’, is it more like you ‘don’t mind’?

It took me a few more moments to work out that this was how I always used to feel.This was my old personality, my real personality. After all this time, years of depression, anxiety, a self harm addiction that totally ruined my ability to identify emotions, after everything, I was still somewhere under there.

So that’s what happened. My depression went away and it hasn’t come back. I don’t know where or why it went, and I’m sure it will come back. Depression isn’t the sort of thing that just magically disappears. Still, it’s nice to feel like me again. It’s nice to be reminded that I am more than my depression.

I Can’t Write, and It’s Killing Me

I can’t write. I just can’t do it. This might not sound like much, but writing is my whole life. Since I was a child, writing stories has been my distraction, my escape from the things around me. Now, as a (not quite) adult, I write my own original fiction, and even some fanfiction for something more lighthearted. But at the moment I can’t. I can hear you now, “But you’re writing a blog post, right now, so you obviously can!” Nope, it’s not the same. I can write this, but it’s not the same as writing stories.

It’s not that I don’t have ideas. I know exactly what I need to write in the next part of all the things I’m currently working on, but I open a Word document, or I flick to a new page in one of my notebooks…and I can’t do it. I physically cannot bring myself to write. So I put my headphones on, I listen to music, usually Eminem, and I stare at the wall. I scroll down Tumblr until the sun rises in the window behind me, and I feel sick. One of the most irritating things is that listening to Eminem used to actually help me work more efficiently, now it doesn’t help. I can’t write.

That’s depression. Depression will take the thing you love most and turn it into a chore. You can’t do anything, even when you want to. Thanks to a self harm addiction, I have trouble safely expressing my emotions. Any sort of strong emotion, positive or negative, makes me want to hurt myself. Writing is one of the only ways that I can properly channel and convey my feelings. If I can’t do that, then I end up feeling trapped. It’s the only way I know how to feel better, and if I can’t do it, then I only feel like dying. It’s been over a month since I last wrote anything. I don’t know how to make myself better.

I’m Going to University?!?!?!

No really. I am. Okay, I’m only doing a Tertiary Preparation course, which will prepare me for Uni, when I actually do my BA next year. I felt like I wanted to do a prep course because I haven’t studied since 2013 when I was in grade 12. In order to get accepted, I had to fill in two tests, one Mathematics, and one English. Despite them both being relatively simple, I was terrified. See, that’s what it’s like having anxiety. Even if you should be certain about something, you never really are. There’s always that worry in the back of your mind ‘What if I’m doing everything wrong?’ that sort of thing.

I was scared that I would go to the trouble of putting in my application and the tests, but I still wouldn’t be accepted. But today, a letter arrived in the mail. There’s something exciting for me about getting mail, it’s quite childish, but the novelty has never really worn off.

‘Is this the news you’ve been waiting for?’ I don’t know. Is it? Immediately my heart is beating, this isn’t even a major thing, it’s not really that important, but I so badly want it to work out. I just want something in my life to go well. Please.

So I turn it over and … Wow, who designs these things? That’s actually really cute, but right now, incredibly frustrating. first I had to work up the courage to turn the envelope around, and now you’re saying that was all for nothing? I have to tear off this thing too? Fine. Bastards.

Done. It’s done. I feel better about doing it before I realise my eyes are looking away. I haven’t seen it yet. Please. Let this be the start of a life for me. I breathe, and look down.

NO WAY SERIOUSLY?! DOES THIS MEAN I PASSED THE TESTS?! EVEN THAT ONE ABOUT THE RATE OF THE HOSPITAL DRIP?! The letter inside tells me I still have to wait for them to send me something else to properly enroll, but for now, I’ve been offered a place. Once I enroll, it’s mine. I have a place at a university. Tell that to seventeen year old me and she’d laugh at you, (and probably tell you to fuck off). I can’t wait to do this course. This is another step.

Simple Spinach & Ricotta Cannelloni

This is my favourite meal in the world. It’s easy to make, everyone will love it, and it’s even vegetarian!

Ingredients:

Cannelloni Pasta Shells: One box (typically 200g-250g, pick whichever brand you prefer)
This recipe uses dry pasta to keep things simple, if you’d prefer to make your own fresh then that’s fine 🙂

Diced Tinned Tomatoes: 400g

Baby Spinach: 250g

Ricotta Cheese: 350g

Egg Yolks: 3

Nutmeg: <1tsp

Tomato Pasta Sauce: 1 500g jar.
Again, if you’d prefer to make your own, you can.

Cheese: 1-2 handfuls, grated. (Use whatever cheese you like, as long as it will melt, like tasty cheese or mozzarella)

Method:

Step 1:
In a large bowl combine your spinach, ricotta, nutmeg and egg yolks. You will most likely need to use your hands for this. Make sure you mix it all together so that the spinach leaves are properly coated. If you want to cut or shred the spinach you can, but it’s not necessary.

Step 2:
Line a deep baking tray with some baking paper, and tip the can of diced tomatoes into the tray, spread them out so they cover the bottom evenly.

Step 3:
Now it’s time to stuff your pasta tubes with your mixture. You can use a spoon if you like, but it’s quicker and easier to use your fingers. Completely fill the cannelloni tubes with your spinach and ricotta, but don’t force it. It doesn’t need to be pushed in too tightly.

Step 4:
Line up your tubes in your baking tray until you either run out of room, or run out of pasta tubes. You can put them quite close together if you need to, they should still cook evenly.

Step 5:
Once you’ve finished laying your cannelloni in the tray, open your jar of pasta sauce and tip it over the top. Even it out if you need to so it covers the top of your pasta tubes.

Step 6: 
Now you’ll need to grate your cheese, if you didn’t buy it already grated. Grate as much as you will need to cover your cannelloni and sprinkle it generously over the top.

Step 7:
Almost done! Now just put your tray in the oven. Cook for 30 minutes on approx. 200°C (392°F).

Step 8:
If you’re up to this step it means your delicious meal is finished! It should be a beautiful golden brown colour, and smell amazing. A serving should be 2-4 tubes depending on the person. This can feed 4 (maybe more) or you can eat it all yourself (I wish). Serve with sour cream on top, if desired. Enjoy 😀

Notes:
There are lots of variants to this. You could add beef mince, or bacon, if you want meat. Or you could use a chicken and mushroom filling and use creamy, white pasta sauce instead of tomato.

This is a child friendly recipe. Kids will have no trouble helping to stuff the tubes and they’ll love knowing they helped cook.

If you want to have something with it, I recommend a simple salad of leafy green lettuce, olives, and feta.

If you have a lot of leftover spinach mixture, put it in the fridge and use it in the morning in an omelette or a crepe. It will be great, I promise.

I hope this was easy to understand.  Enjoy your delicious cannelloni! ❤

Easy Salty-Sweet Peanut Brittle!

I adore peanut brittle. This is just a simple recipe for the batch I made today.

Ingredients:
Peanuts (salted if you want the salty-sweet flavour, unsalted for a more typical sugary taste): 2-4 cups.
Butter: 125g.
Caster Sugar: 4 cups.

Method:

Step 1: Grease a baking tray and scatter your peanuts so they form a single layer on the tray, you can leave as little or as many gaps as you like.

Step 2: Add 4 cups of caster sugar, and 2 cups of cool water to a saucepan or pot. Cook over low heat until the sugar dissolves. Do not allow it to boil. You can stir the mixture to help stop the sugar from sticking to your pot.

Step 3: Turn the heat to medium-high, and bring your sugar to the boil. Do not stir it now. As it boils, there will be small frothy bubbles, a little bit like seafoam (hehehehe). You need your sugar to begin to turn a golden brown colour. This may take between 15-25 minutes.

Step 4: Once your sugar has turned golden brown you need to add your 125g of (chopped) butter. Take your pot away from the heat and stir the butter in until it melts.

Step 5: Pour the mixture over your tray of peanuts. Try to keep your pouring even and make sure you are working on a flat surface.

Step 6: Using a wooden spoon or spatula, spread the sugar so that it sits evenly, move some of the peanuts around if you need to. Be careful not to let it touch your skin, sugar burns hurt!

Step 7: Allow the tray of peanut brittle to set on the bench. This should take around three hours.

Step 8: Now that your brittle is set, you need to break it into pieces. In order to do this you will need a clean tea-towel and something to hit it with (I used a pepper grinder). Lay the tea-towel around the tray, covering the brittle, this will stop pieces flying back at you, now firmly hit the brittle in different spots to break it into smaller chunks. This may take a couple of tries.

Step 9: ENJOY!!! Congratulations on making a delicious, traditional candy. Share it if you like, or eat the whole tray! 😀

The Right Thing?

I keep asking myself,  ‘is it the right thing?’. See, I’ve applied for a Tertiary Prep Course at a local university, in hopes that it will help me gain entrance when I want to start my BA next year. There’s just one (or two, or three, or fifty) thing/s worrying me…Will completing it at this university help, considering the university I want to do my BA at is in New Zealand and not Australia? Will I be able to finish the program in six months? Most of all, will I even be accepted?

I had to complete a test and hand it in with my application. For once I’m not worried about the Math, but what if I didn’t do well enough on the English section? Should I have made my paragraphs more complex? Did I write too little? I was so worried I would overdo it that now I’m scared I didn’t do enough.

I so badly want things to go right.

Unbelievable

Look I made a blog. Not a tumblr. An actual real life ‘about-my-real-life’ blog. Unbelievable.

I feel like I should introduce myself here, but I doubt many people will see this, so I’ll just say that there’s a little bit about me on my About page, which you can look at if you’re curious.

This blog is really just about me becoming someone that I want to be. I’ll try to keep it interesting, but no promises. 😉